Aries – A mysterious person will enter your life today…um…that’s all the stars say…weird… Sorry, let me double-check…yeah, they have nothing else. Well, good luck with that.

Taurus – You and a friend will butt heads this week after having an intensely emotional argument about the European debt crisis. Like Greece, your friendship is crumbling.  

Gemini – A supernatural aura will follow you around this week, and next week, and the next. It will never disappear. Time to switch to a new deodorant.

Cancer – Your secret crush will duck out of the way of a boulder, allowing you to be crushed instead. The irony will not revive you.  

Leo – Don’t overwork yourself this week. You only have a few weeks of school left before finals, for which you need to start studying. Not to mention your AP exams. Soon, you’ll either be applying to or in college. Have you taken the SAT yet? The ACT? SAT Subject Tests? But seriously, don’t stress!!

Virgo – An embarrassing incident will haunt you this week. Maybe the stars have advice? According to TMZ, the stars’ publicist has released a statement saying, “The stars have no comment on this matter.” Oh well!

Libra – You will get a new pet today, but instead of saying “meow” or “woof,” it will growl menacingly…That’s a bear.

Scorpio – Your Harry Potter prop collection will mysteriously light on fire. Don’t worry! It’s not Voldemort. It’s arson!

Sagittarius – You have some free time, so take up a hobby such as needlepoint, origami, or crying uncontrollably.

Capricorn – Just when you think it can’t get any worse, Neels Visser posts a tweet. Stay strong.

Aquarius – Disaster will strike Wednesday as three people unfollow you on Instagram. Might as well delete all of your social media accounts and read a book. Just kidding!  

Pisces – This week, you will feel particularly moody as indicated by the gigantic meteor heading towards the Earth. Just ignore it. You won’t feel a thing.